Christmas isn’t something that happens to you, it’s something that you have to work for.

This isn’t true for children, of course. As children, Christmas very much does happen to you, and you don’t even really need to do anything to deserve it. For most kids, it’s simply a case of arriving at an age of memorable consciousness one day, and suddenly realising that everything’s red, or green, or glittery. And suddenly there’s this music that you’ve never heard before playing in every shop. And suddenly there’s this big old guy with a sack who your teachers tell you to draw pictures of, or write letters to. And suddenly, some or all of the things you requested from this mysterious figure appear in your house. And suddenly everyone’s smiling at each other more than normal, and suddenly they may be singing too, and suddenly there’s more food than you could possibly manage. Then suddenly, it’s over. And suddenly, you have another new thing to look forward to every year.

As adults, it’s more complicated. Not all of us had that same experience of a magical Christmas day as children of course, but for those among us for whom those fond memories feel like an ache in your chest every December 1st, navigating an upcoming Christmas can be difficult. Because you know that suddenly you need to spend an extra chunk of money this month, and suddenly you have to get out the decorations for the house, and suddenly you need to make plans to see family you might not really want to see, and suddenly you’re checking how much annual leave you have left, and suddenly you need to cook all this food, and suddenly that seven hundred page book on assassinations carried out by the state of “Israel” doesn’t hit as hard as a Hot Wheels set, and suddenly it’s over, and suddenly you have a lot of cardboard to deal with.

It's just not the same as an adult. It can’t be the same, it won’t ever be the same, and it’s fine that it’s not the same. But Christmas is still an important time of the year, and getting in the spirit of things doesn’t require a cool new Gameboy Colour, nor a mysterious stranger who slides down the false chimney of your new-build, and it definitely doesn’t require you to be four foot two. People have celebrated during the winter period over December where the longest nights lay for thousands of years, and they didn’t need Santa to do it. All they needed was the knowledge and understanding that the winter can be long and cold, and that life is short and fast, and for some people who would be gathered in their home that year, it could very well be the last time that they ever saw them. So what else is there to do? You be ten percent nicer than normal, and you drink, and you give gifts, and you sing songs together. This has always been the way, and this will always be the way.

So when you walk into big Tesco this evening, or get in the car to drive home from work, and you hear those same songs playing on the radio like always, try not to roll your eyes. Even if it’s a song that you aren’t particularly fond of, just stop and think, what would I prefer to be playing right now? Then tell me the answer.

What Does Your Favourite Christmas Song Say About You?

Mistletoe – Justin Bieber
You are a paedophile.

All I Want For Christmas is You – Mariah Carey
The lazy and the heartless amongst us will have you think that this is a bad song, but it’s hard not to respect a person who holds this pop banger dearest to their chest. It’s not an exciting choice, of course, but picking a favourite anything isn’t ever an exercise in showing off and should never be treated as such. If this is your favourite Christmas song then you are, above all else, honest. And we need more honesty. We always need more honesty.

Feliz Navidad – José Feliciano
You really thought about doing a gap year abroad but in the end you were too scared of being alone in a room with yourself for a few days to do it, and now this song pick is the only remaining fragment of that desire for adventure within your personality. Well, that plus the three weeks’ worth of Duolingo Spanish that, these days, you only really use when you’re correcting the pronunciation of footballers’ names amongst mates who have a separate group chat without you.

Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!
You survived both Dunkirk and Covid, and you have good taste.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year – Andy Williams
You survived both Dunkirk and Covid, and you have bad taste.

Step into Christmas – Elton John
Interesting…very interesting…
You didn’t think about this much when you decided to choose it as your favourite. I don’t think you really care much at all actually, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. You’re just getting on with it aren’t you. You’re relaxed, and how you’re perceived doesn’t really matter or even occur to you. When asked about your favourite Christmas song, you probably just thought of the last one you’d heard that you enjoyed. And it’s a good one. Fair enough man!

Happy Xmas (War is Over) – John Lennon, Yoko Ono
You’re fifty-six-years-old and this song makes you cry because it reminds you of growing up, and it reminds you how the simple joys can be lost so easily, and how the greatest amongst us die young. You think about Lennon, and you think about a childhood friend who you lost too soon. You remember all too well a specific memory of drinking in a dingy pub in town in the late seventies, and this song was playing, and you had your arms around the shoulders of your friends, and… and it’s all just a bit too much sometimes. Not often, but sometimes. And this Christmas you’ll find yourself alone in the study drinking a larger than usual glass of port, side-eyeing the memories framed on the walls. Sometimes it’s nice to look at them. Sometimes it’s impossible to glance. Have a second glass on me, champ. It is Christmas, after all.

Santa Tell Me – Ariana Grande
You are Ariana Grande.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside – Frank Sinatra, Dorothy Kirsten
You’re a girl who is really into doing karaoke with her boyfriend and every time Christmas rolls around you try to get him to do this song as a duet with you and he usually says no but one year he gets more drunk than usual at your work Christmas party because it’s obvious that your manager fancies you and he finally agrees and everyone is laughing for the first minute or so but then you both make it way too sexual for a work do and people stop laughing and it causes a rift between you even though in the moment you both enjoyed it and eventually you break up and your manager finds out and messages you on Teams about going for a drink and several years later you get married on Christmas eve because you’re selfish and as a joke at the reception your new husband suggests you sing Baby, It’s Cold Outside together and you laugh and you do it but inside the turmoil is boiling over and you don’t understand why he would ask you to do that and now you’re thinking about your ex and you’re remembering how he always noticed when you’d had your hair done or tried something new with your makeup and it’s midnight on your wedding day and your guests are mostly all gone and it’s beginning to snow and you’re crying and no one understands because they can’t understand and your husband is trying to usher you out from under the nine foot Christmas tree by the dancefloor and into a waiting taxi and the taxi driver is getting impatient because he’d told his kids he’d be home by now but you’re just wearing your wedding dress and baby it’s so cold outside and baby I think baby I think I made a mistake I’m so sorry.

Wonderful Christmastime – Paul McCartney
You don’t need me lecturing you on Christmas, you know exactly where you stand, you know exactly who you are, and you know how to enjoy it. You know that nothing needs to be fancy or overwrought, you just need to enjoy yourself, and you do.
Side note: for five years between the ages of eighteen and twenty-three I used this song year-round as both my alarm and my ringtone on my phone, and now whenever I hear the opening synth I still get a pang of adrenaline through my body that wakes me up instantly.

Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses
You’re a mother or motherly person who was quite wild in your teenage years, and everyone you know is quite surprised at how easily you’ve slid into a sort of vibes-based domesticity. You probably crochet or knit and you like vintage shopping and you definitely dress well. Your vibe is that of someone who a child would most comfortably approach in a supermarket when they’ve lost their parents, and who they would later describe as “Really cool!”
In a very sincere way, finding that out would make your year. And it should.

Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee
You often find yourself saying “Just listen to that voice!” when listening to music. You probably have fantastic taste in older music and kinda shitty taste in modern music, but you are literally completely unaware of this aspect of your personality and you just like what you like. If you’re young you have busked with an acoustic guitar at some point and if you’re old you stop and watch buskers with a big smile on your face and pull your phone out to start recording, but it’s right at the end of the song and OH! the front-facing camera was on anyway. So it goes.

Stop the Cavalry – Jona Lewie
You are either a child who loves trumpets or a man in his fifties who’s a bit gammony but at heart quite a good bloke. You kind of wish you had fought in World War Two but you’re smart enough to know that you’d have probably died at Normandy (this applies for both the child and the gammon). You have great taste in music though, this song is a banger. Well done, Private.

Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town – Bruce Springsteen
You are the brother of the previous middle-aged man and you’re quite similar except that there is no doubt in your mind that if you’d been air-dropped into Vichy France in 1942 you would have ended the war within six weeks and arrived back home to Castle Donington with Hitler’s head in your briefcase. In reality, you are much more likely to have joined the Axis than the Allies when push came to shove, and back in the present your daughters don’t like you because every time they get a boyfriend you threaten to break their hands with a sledgehammer that you can’t really even comfortably lift anymore.

Driving Home for Christmas – Chris Rea
Christmas is the only time of the year when you allow yourself to romanticise your life. In fairness to you, it’s not a very romantic life. You need to get those reports on Gilberto’s desk by Friday close of business, and if you don’t, corporate will have your head! For ninety percent of the year, you spend most of your time in the car trying not to cry or punch out the window, but once December hits your eyes glaze over when you’re behind the wheel. You drive home with this song on repeat, wishing it was snowing, and sometimes you think about how easy it would be to swerve into oncoming traffic. Not even in a fit of anger – just calmly and slowly turning the wheel, a smile breaking in the corner of your mouth…it could beautiful. But you won’t do it though. You’d never do it. You have a wife and kid at home. And a dog. Reading this sentence is how you found out that Chris Rea is white. I was as shocked as you.

Fairytale of New York – The Pogues, Kirsty MacColl
If you’re into football, you were a big fan of Messi-era Barcelona. If you’re into films, you think Oppenheimer is the best film of the past decade. You have at least one tattoo where people go “I don’t usually like tattoos, but I like that”. You’re decent at chess. Fleetwood Mac are in your top five bands. You like Guinness and have been to Dublin. Twice. If you’re a girl you’ve dyed your hair more times than you can count on one hand and if you’re a boy you haven’t had a shaved head since you were a little fella.

Or

You are one year away from thinking they will actually throw you in prison for saying you’re English. And you love Saying The Word.

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday – Wizzard
You are a very strange person in a way that people aren’t immediately able to put their finger on when they meet you. You’ve either worked in retail for twenty years or not at all, and you buy yourself two advent calendars every year. You have a plastic silver Christmas tree which you actually manage to make look quite nice somehow, and the walls of your home are adorned with Hallmark slogans about gin and wine that do not look quite nice. You get along with everyone you meet, and your family adore you. You’re probably the biggest winner in all of this.

Do They Know It’s Christmas? – Band Aid
You feel good about giving change to homeless people, but you only do it if there’s someone else there to pat you on the back about it.
“Ah, it’s the least I could do!” you say with a laugh.
You cross the road when black teens are coming the other way.

Last Christmas – Wham!
You have mentioned Princess Diana at least twice in the past year. You might be gay but it’s more likely that you’re just kind of (justifiably) envious of gay people. The way they dress and look and act is endearing to you on an instinctual level, and all you really want out of life is to be friends with them, to laugh with them, to sing Wham! on karaoke with them. Reading this sentence is how you found out that George Michael was gay. Everything is beginning to make sense to you. You can probably salsa.

Underneath the Tree – Kelly Clarkson
Message me.

Jingle Bell Rock – Bobby Helms
If Santa Claus was real, I feel like this would be his favourite Christmas jam. Like him, it comes, it delivers as promised, it’s modest about it, is rewarding, and feels timeless.  He probably walks around the workshop while the elves work with his hands clasped firmly behind his back, whistling the tune to Jingle Bell Rock and stopping when he spots a mistake from one of the little fellas. Then he stops whistling, bends the elf over his knee, yanks down his trousers, and spanks him red raw. You might think that an archaic form of punishment, but this is how Santa ensures that your iPhone camera works straight out of the box on Christmas day. Oh, you want him to stop spanking his elves, do you? Then I guess you’ll be fine with all the photos you take of your 6/10 Christmas dinner coming out blurry.  Yeah, that’s what I thought.

Keep spankin’ , big man. You watch the skies; I’ll watch the ground.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) – Darlene Love
You need a hug.

Merry Christmas Everyone – Shakin’ Stevens
When the allegations against Jimmy Savile came out, you threw your TV dinner across the room.
“No! NO! Not him! Anyone but him!”
You stayed awake that night staring at the ceiling, your wife snoozing peacefully next to you. Everyone talked about “missing the signs”, but you thought that was bullshit. The sunglasses were cool, he couldn’t do anything about the hair, and the shell suits made him more aerodynamic. This couldn’t be true, you thought. The next morning you could barely pour your coffee, your hands were shaking so much. They’ve got the wrong guy, you figured. He’s a good man. You lost your job for arguing with your coworkers about his innocence. You said they were pissing on the grave of a national treasure. It took a while, a long, long while, but eventually you calmed down. You took a second look at old interview clips. He did seem strange, you thought. Stranger than you’d ever noticed before. You read into case files and realised it was kind of undeniable at this point, and your heart settled in your chest for the first time in many years. It was broken of course, but on the mend. Your trust in society had to be rebuilt. Your smile was small, but growing by the day. Things were getting better. You’d found new hobbies, new heroes. You’d started waking up early again. You’d started watching TV again. You even found a new favourite show - This Morning, with Holly Willoughby and Philip Schofield. You loved their banter, and their chemistry. It felt like nothing bad would ever happen again. Even your favourite New York financier, Jeffery Epstein, was back, and doing very well on Wall Street. Michael Jackson was still alive.

Stay Another Day – East 17
Look, if you try and tell me it’s not a Christmas song, I’m gonna do two things. First of all, I’m gonna tase you. I’m sorry, I don’t want to, it’s Christmas and I don’t want to tase you. I wanted to keep the taser on the shelf until New Years at the earliest but if you come at me in this way, I’m gonna tase you and it will be your fault and you might shit yourself and I’m sorry but again, that’s your fault and your own business. The tase is on you. The shit is on you.

The second thing I’m gonna do is I’m gonna recommend you go and watch the music video for Stay Another Day by East 17. Watch that, then come back to me and tell me with a straight face that it’s not a Christmas song. It is. It is a Christmas song. And if you try to say that it’s a normal song but just with a Christmas music video, do you know what I’ll do? Yeah, I don’t even have to say it do I? No but I will say it. I will say it. I’m gonna tase you. I’ll tase you again. I’ll tase you again and this time I hope you do shit yourself because you’re a bad person. You’re a bad person who deserves nasty pants. Nasty shit pants. Nasty pants full of shit. Stay Another Day is a Christmas song and I don’t mean that in the way that Ha Ha, Die Hard is a Christmas film! I mean it properly. It is a Christmas song and it’s beautiful and those are my boys. Those are my dudes right there and I love them. If this is your favourite Christmas song, we are circling each other in an abandoned lighthouse and you look like me and I look like you. We’re indistinguishable to everyone but ourselves, and even to ourselves the differences have become trivial. We are the same, and I don’t mind that. But only one of us can leave this lighthouse alive.

Conclusions
You need to make Christmas happen. Not just for yourself, but for those you love, and also for those you don’t love. Here in England especially, we don’t often get given something to smile about for free. But Christmas is free. Hugging your grandparents is free. Shooting the shit with your cousins is free. Singing along to Kelly Clarkson’s 2013 smash hit Underneath the Tree is free. So do it, grab it, enjoy it, and make sure the next generation of kids has something to look forward to next year, because right now it might seem like the holiday season lasts forever, but just as sure as every year before, very soon, suddenly, it will all be over. Then it will just be you and the cardboard.